Aging Rock Star Gene Simmons Announces Farewell Tour, Expected to Last 20 Years

By Matthew R. Paden, Senior Irreverence Writer

Wednesday, March 26th 2025

Gene Simmons

Rockstar Gene Simmons

LOS ANGELES — Rock legend, KISS bassist, and self-proclaimed god of capitalism Gene Simmons announced today that the band's latest "Final Farewell, No Seriously, This Time We Mean It" tour is expected to last at least two decades, ensuring that multiple generations will have the opportunity to say goodbye before he finally stops playing “Rock and Roll All Nite” for the 700,000th time.

“We’ve had farewell tours before, but this one is different,” Simmons said, while adjusting his trademark demon boots, which now require an intern to lace up due to chronic back pain.

“This is the farewell tour that will outlive us all. We’re talking holograms, cyborg Paul Stanley, and—if science allows—Gene Simmons' head in a jar still spitting blood in 2050.”

An Ongoing Goodbye to Rock’s Most Reluctant Retiree

Despite the fact that KISS has been saying farewell longer than most fans have been alive, Simmons assured the public that this time, it’s truly, absolutely, probably the end.

However, he also clarified that the tour may expand into a "Post-Farewell Legacy Tour," which will include stops at assisted living centers, VR concerts streamed directly into fans’ neural implants, and possibly a KISS-themed funeral package where fans can be buried in official KISS caskets while a recording of "Detroit Rock City" plays at their wake.

“People keep asking me, ‘Gene, when are you really going to retire?’

And I say, ‘Do you want another farewell tour?’ And they always say yes, so we give them what they want,” Simmons explained while polishing a platinum KISS logo encrusted with the tears of former bandmates.

The KISS Economy Rolls On

Of course, no KISS event is complete without an avalanche of merchandising opportunities, and Simmons wasted no time unveiling a special “Farewell Tour Commemorative Collection,” featuring:

• KISS Oxygen Tanks – Because let’s be honest, a lot of fans are getting up there.

• KISS Walker Accessories – Now with flames and detachable bat wings.

• KISS Retirement Plan – Invest now, and your dividends are paid in limited-edition KISS coins that only Gene Simmons can exchange.

• KISS Brand Dentures – For fans who still want to “shout it out loud” but struggle with enunciation.

“There are two constants in life: death and KISS merchandise,” Simmons declared before unveiling a KISS-branded Will & Testament Kit, allowing fans to legally leave their earthly possessions to the band.

The Fans React

While many longtime KISS fans are thrilled at the chance to see their heroes perform one last, drawn-out goodbye, others are beginning to wonder if the farewell will ever actually happen.

“Look, I love Gene and the guys, but my dad took me to a KISS farewell tour in 1996. Now I have grandkids and I’m bringing them to a farewell tour,” said longtime fan Jerry Raines, 52, wearing a faded KISS Army shirt from the Clinton administration.

“I’m pretty sure my great-grandkids will also be seeing a KISS farewell tour. At this point, I’m just worried Simmons might outlive us all.”

Others see it differently. Lisa Caldwell, 41, an enthusiastic KISS fan who attended 13 different farewell shows, was more than happy about the never-ending cycle of retirements.

“You never know, they might just keep going! I mean, Gene has enough energy to power a small country, and Paul Stanley still struts like he’s 25—even if he needs cortisone shots afterward,” she said, clutching a $95 farewell tour T-shirt.

“Plus, let’s be honest, I’d pay good money to watch them perform on a KISS-brand spaceship when they take this farewell tour to Mars.”

What’s Next for Gene Simmons?

When asked what he’ll do after the Final Farewell Tour concludes in 2044, Simmons remained elusive.

“Well, I’ve got a few projects in the works,” he said, grinning in a way that suggested another 50 years of relentless branding. “I’m currently working on KISS:

The Musical, KISS: The Motion Picture Reboot, KISS: The Streaming Service, and a KISS NFT project where you can literally own a digital version of me saying ‘I love money’ in 4K.”

As for whether he’ll ever truly stop performing, Simmons paused before offering a sly smile.

“You know, Mick Jagger once said, ‘I can’t imagine still doing this at 40.’ And here he is in his 80s, still shaking his hips. So let’s just say... this may be our farewell tour, but we’ll never say goodbye.”

At press time, Rockstar Gene Simmons and KISS had already announced three additional legs of their farewell tour, extending it through 2063, when it will officially be rebranded as the "Rock and Roll Forever (Seriously, Forever) Tour."