Man Brags About ‘Being Off the Grid’ While Wearing Smartwatch That Tracks His Every Move

By Matthew R. Paden

Saturday, February 15th 2025

Off the Grid Lifestyle

BOISE, ID—Local man and self-proclaimed digital minimalist Kyle Thompson took a break from ranting about the “evils of modern surveillance” this week to check his heart rate, oxygen levels, and step count on his state-of-the-art smartwatch, witnesses confirmed.

“People are too plugged in, man,” Thompson reportedly declared while adjusting his $600 wearable device, which is connected to his phone, home Wi-Fi, and at least three social media accounts. “I refuse to be just another cog in the system. That’s why I’m off the grid.”

According to sources, Thompson spent several minutes explaining how he had removed himself from the clutches of Big Tech and government oversight, all while his smartwatch quietly sent biometric data, GPS coordinates, and notifications about his hydration levels to various cloud servers.

“Dude, it’s all about living free, you know?” he said, raising his wrist to show an alert reminding him to stand up and stretch. “These tech companies want to own us. But not me—I deleted my Facebook last year.”

Despite his insistence that he had escaped digital tracking, Thompson was later seen tapping his watch to pay for a cold brew, replying to text messages with his voice assistant, and using the device’s built-in GPS to navigate to a nearby hiking trail—a favorite escape spot where he frequently posts geo-tagged Instagram stories about “disconnecting from society.”

Friends say this is not the first time Thompson has spoken at length about rejecting modern technology while actively using it. “Last month, he gave this whole speech about rejecting consumerism while wearing Bluetooth earbuds and driving a Tesla,” said longtime friend Mark Delgado. “He told me he doesn’t trust the government, right before unlocking his phone with facial recognition. It’s honestly impressive.”

When pressed about the glaring contradiction, Thompson insisted that his approach to technology is about mindful use. “I mean, yeah, my smartwatch tracks my sleep, stress levels, and body temperature, but it’s totally different,” he said. “I’m not, like, addicted to technology. I use it consciously—unlike those brainwashed sheeple.”

At press time, Thompson was reportedly seen sitting outside a coffee shop, scrolling through conspiracy theory subreddits on his smartphone while telling a stranger about his dream of living in a remote cabin—equipped, of course, with high-speed satellite internet.