The Internet Was a Mistake, But Here’s Why You Should Keep Using It

by Matthew R. Paden Senior Irreverence Writer

Thursday, March 20th 2025

The Internet Was a Mistake

Let’s be honest—the internet was probably a bad idea. What started as a way to share knowledge and connect the world has turned into a 24/7 chaotic carnival of misinformation, endless scrolling, and the slow erosion of our attention spans.

But before you rush to unplug your router and retreat to a peaceful life in the woods, let’s take a moment to appreciate why you should absolutely keep using it.

1. Where Else Would You Get Your News?

Sure, the internet is filled with definitely accurate headlines like “Scientists Confirm That Cheese Prevents Alien Abduction”, but what’s the alternative? Television? Newspapers?

Talking to real humans?! No thanks. Besides, nothing keeps you informed quite like reading half a headline and assuming you know the rest.

2. Social Media Is Free Therapy (But Worse!)

Who needs a licensed professional when you can post vague, emotionally charged status updates and let distant acquaintances respond with “u ok?” Social media allows you to share just enough about your problems to get sympathy without having to, you know, actually deal with them.

3. How Else Will You Prove You’re Right?

Before the internet, proving your superiority in arguments was difficult.

Now, thanks to carefully curated Google searches and questionable “experts” on YouTube, you can confidently win any debate without facts getting in the way. If someone disagrees? Just send them a blurry meme with bold text—instant victory!

4. The Sheer Amount of Useless Knowledge

Without the internet, how would you know what kind of bread matches your personality?

Or how long a shrimp can hold its breath? The sheer amount of completely unnecessary information at your fingertips ensures that instead of learning valuable life skills, you can deep-dive into the rich history of competitive duck herding.

5. Online Shopping Is Too Convenient to Quit

The internet may be destroying our collective sanity, but it also lets you buy a glow-in-the-dark inflatable duck, 135 types of hot sauce, and a sweater for your cat without ever leaving the house.

Quitting the internet means returning to real stores—a horrifying land where people exist physically and cashiers expect eye contact.

Conclusion: Keep Scrolling!

Yes, the internet was a mistake. It’s an overwhelming, misinformation-packed, privacy-obliterating mess. But it’s our mess, and we’re too deep in to turn back now.

So go ahead—open another tab, refresh your feed, and continue this glorious digital spiral.

What’s the worst that could happen?